Alilo News can today confirm that reports of an Olilo customer having a bollock “popped” by the NHS were, thankfully, premature.
The incident began during a discussion about healthcare, when Ryan recalled that his most recent interaction with the NHS had involved an ultrasound “on ma bollock”. The disclosure prompted an immediate question from a concerned bystander: “Were they trying to pop it?” Ryan’s response — “sound ty” — did little to reduce concern.
After a period of waiting described by sources as “far too long when you’ve convinced yourself it is definitely cancer”, the patient was called in to discuss the results. The clinician confirmed that the cyst was benign: not cancerous, not dangerous and not something to worry about.
The patient was reportedly very relieved — right up until the clinician opened Google Images to explain what the cyst was and why it was harmless.
“I know she was trying to reassure me,” the patient reportedly said, “but once someone opens Google Images while discussing a lump on your bollock, you do begin to question whether this is going well.”
The ultrasound itself was described as an experience in its own right. While the patient praised the hospital for carrying out the scan and delivering reassuring results, he noted that the jelly was absolutely freezing — an operational detail that made an already awkward appointment considerably more memorable.
- No bollocks were popped.
- No cancer was found.
- The cyst was benign.
- Google was involved more than anyone expected.
- The jelly was cold.
The patient is now said to be happy, healthy and extremely unlikely to forget the experience.